Afternoon things: fight waves of false fatigue/lack of will. Eyes heavy irritated tired. Ponder distantly all tasks being avoided, though they are necessary. Fantasize about bitter/sour espresso in a tiny demitasse.

What are my tasks? Make rice, phone calls. Clean thoroughly the cat's litterbox. Bathe, shower.

This hotel has a vacation with too many expectations vibe. Maybe it is because I have no duty that I'm pleased with that mood. I remember San Fran, Vegas. Dirty sad tourist-trap ennui.

The pool lift's battery is being recharged right now. Tiff and A went to the restroom. Katherine and C are still swimming. I dipped my yellowed toes into the lukewarm water.

I didn't make phone calls today. Tomorrow I will.

 Whaddya know, I'm hungry again. Ate all freaking day and even like 2 hours ago. And just finished my crackers. I'm sure it's my time o'month again. Goddamn it, all I can think about is food. 

 A little over 13 years ago, Dad was in the heart hospital, which I believe I can see from here. January. Mom and I had a bonding moment while struggling to loosely cover the citrus trees in the backyard against the promised overnight freeze. It was after midnight, maybe? My memory tells me that that was the same stay they forgot his Coumadin. It's possible that mistake was from a different visit. In any case, parking was scary, although I'm sure it's much crappier now. Dad was in a medically induced coma, which was not explained to us very clearly at all. Mom and I had begun to think he would not regain consciousness. Gabby Giffords was shot and her recovery in the hospital in Tucson during the same time was uncertain.

When Dad came out of the coma, I punched the air, I was so grateful. It felt like the hospital staff couldn't have cared less.

 Must be stress over the higher estimate and still nothing being done that is making me not have an appetite though I'm definitely still hungry.

Tried to recommend sad songs per request on Reddit, but it inflamed my psyche too much. 

 Shitty memory #infinity: described Springerle cookies as a humble, hard-working digestive, and Mom said, "What are you talking about? It's just a cookie, that's it."

 Lily is back!! I got a lot of kitchen items put away. A fire alarm got me out of bed and downstairs outside by 8:30am. I was hungry, but there were too many people, so I got coffee and scrammed. A kindly fellow helped push me back to my room. Have finally had a BM after 2.5 days. Yay! The girls are here, waiting for Ana to pick them up. Yet another death--someone in Michael's family. Willow stayed for a good while today--at least 3 hours. Tomorrow is Sunday. It feels like I would be going to Church. 

 I guess I'm just trying to keep my anticipation at bay. We relocate tomorrow. I'm hungry again. Tired? Hopeful.

 Thought that since I knew we'd be going to another hotel that the evening wouldn't ache so much.

 Asked D for a loan. Gritted teeth emoji. Rolled out the side door into sun and sidewalk, across from the "nature preserve" and then freeway. Froze on an incline, and a kind fellow rolled my chair the rest of the way down. Then there was a long leng5h of carpet. Talked to the GM, and Lily must stay with Willow. Hope my optimism about being with Lily sooner is on point...Out here by the pool, in shade, chilled. Have some old phlegm that's fighting me.

 Got about 3 minutes of direct evening sun. There's still a chill to the air, but I feel like I've been in the sun for hours. Like I had a day at the Renfaire. Like I'm outside of myself again. The spring sun does that to me. I had too much to think. Staying out here to catch the magical chill of evening. Don't want to be alone. Some desires stay.