Saw a pinterest photo of butter on bread and now I crave banana bread with butter. Definitely thinking about food even more than usual. Really want a caramel macchiato rn. Have yet to come down and eat the amazing breakfasts they have here. Am I avoiding it? I don't know why I would.. 

 Is it emotional lability or is it being uprooted? Or estrogen? Progesterone? Or is it all of the above? Self-imposed exile. Biting me in the ass.

 This hotel has killer views. The slightly muzzy sky and the greenery and cars below. It's enchanting. Lily couldn't stay here after all, so Willow is watching her. The toilet is very low. I barely fit into my room. The lighting is interesting. There's a desk. We're just off the elevator. We're further out, but the grounds are pretty. Katherine brought me a jalapeno souffle from breakfast. Yesterday was wretched. Fell asleep with no problem.

 Tiny sinus ache from not taking my Flonase. My dream was of that home store that I've visited before. Mom was with me. We were both thirsty and tired. She paused a few times and disappeared. But she ended up being ok. I slept so much yesterday. Woke up at nine. Took a nap at like noon. Then another from around 4:30. Then went to bed at midnight and woke at 6am today. 

The workers are supposed to start laying carpet this week. I am researching jobs. Got my first snarky reply on Reddit today. Sweet potato tater tots at breakfast this morning.

 This evening's nocturney just started an hour and a half ago. Dishes are put away; I hit up the mac and cheese "bar" at the social hour. I'm having coffee and Coke. Also had an adorable raspberry dessert bite. Currently experiencing the oversleep headache. T and K are justifiably angry with me. I avoided day and tasks successfully. I kind of love this place. The layout is charming. Beaucoup de gens mais pas trop. Reddit is changing my brain. X has changed my brain. This sitch is changing my brain.

 I feel so all alone. I feel so numb and unfounded. I feel so hopeful. So fearful and young and childish and naive and like a turtle or a bear stale from hibernation or like maybe an adult should feel. Did I understand that I'd be middle-aged? No, I did not. It happens to others, not to me. I wish men would respect us old ladies more, but they do not. 

I need to be out of my room. I need a little of the energy of the people in here. Some attention, too. It enhances the Emotions. In a kind of sweeping sense of denial? How may I contribute? Why does my optimism keep flaring up?

 Sittin in the Great Room on a Sunday afternoon. Asked at front desk, but as of yet, no vacancies available and even if so only for another 6 days. Wheeled my white ass out to the drive-up, stabbed my thumb on an agave, and enjoyed some sun. Probably not quite enough, but...The reconstruction process has made me feel way too ungrounded. The moody lady at the front desk reminds me of Grandma F. No Brooklyn accent, but in her slightly annoyed and unsmiling demeanor. If I were the receptionist I might be like that.

Sometimes I remember my inner and outer resources. My capacity for learning is unlimited.