The sharp lighting in this hotel room, in this bathroom, is bringing me back to the red house. Maybe even the house in Ukaia. At nights I would be awake, and I would see the shadows. And I would see the geometric patterns in the wallpaper. It felt like I existed before I was meant to. Those lonely hours where I would picture a mouse in a brown room with lots of blocks. It was a neutral awakeness. It was hours between myself and the Seriousness. Godlessness. No one else awake; I would have to be aware for them.

Was it Mom's sorrow I felt? There was trepidation, not actual fear, not actual sadness.

It's the geometry I can't shake. That every night a certain light will bring back to me. It has to do with the void from which I came. A peopleless night.  With only dark forces out.