My days and thoughts are taken up with Lily's litterbox, Good Girls on eternal replay, Reddit and cats, books, and bugs. Brio on YouTube and Tumblr. Concierges and housekeeping and that parking lot and the hospital helicopter, being on the toilet, having chapped lips, and dealing with 15 men all named Adam and another 50 men whose names and titles and duties change by the second. Eichmann would be fucking proud. And then of course my triggers of being gaslit on the phonecalls. Just cuz I have learned what gaslighting means tha5 doesn't mean I like it. Motherfuckers.

 What the fuck. Awake. So very awake. My mind is asking for sustenance. Not tv, not anything ugly, just beauty. I need to create. Make a disturbing paper mache nest. With little cells for pupae. Glue some shit. Acrylic paint the hell out of some rumpled paper and magazine inserts. Make it kind of ugly to the point its perfection wouldn't cause me that ennui. The parking lot encroaches more daily. The beeping from the crosswalk is constant. That I truly love. I signed up for free online classes today. I did a fuck-ton of finances. I'm ready? Not sure what I mean, but I am. Which is good. Thank goodness for the blue firelight of orgasms. The waves cresting through. Very physiological. I feel safest sleeping when it's light out. Yet the dark is comforting. Tamps the terror down. I guess I'm a child because someone has to be. My naivete is true. Trying to be cleverer than I am is a farce.  I mean, I am clever. I am sharp. And hard on myself. Easy on no one. But I pretend to be free-flowing. The dark thoughts, the primordial thoughts, they're chloe. But so are all the rest of these human thoughts that I am allowed to have.  Anyhow, this mind is still collecting back its loose and pissed swarm.